What to Expect When You’re Dead… Chapter Three

The Zombie Chronicles

Chapter Three

Meal Planning

Here’s where things get… interesting. We don’t attack people contrary to popular belief and the dismay of all the zombie apocalypse preppers, though not everyone believes it. I came back well into the undead scare so I didn’t have to go through the quarantining or imprisonment that happened to so many in the early days. Once it was determined that mankind was safe from them, or us actually most of us were safe from being locked away or having our heads blown off, thought that still happens more often than any of us would like.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I imagine it’s pretty much the same for everyone that well… doesn’t stay dead. I refused to eat brains, of any kind. At first I just wasn’t hungry, but when I finally did feel that rumble I went straight for the fridge and whatever wasn’t growing some sort of fungus. One bite and it came right back up. Everything always came right back up, in fact the only thing that any of us can keep down is brain matter and liquids. It doesn’t make a lick of sense I know, how is it we can keep liquids down when nothing else will is a mystery, but that’s how this thing works.

Of course why brain is now the only thing on the menu should be the bigger focus, but for some reason no one has questioned it. Unless you count the scientists that test everything and its brother, but I don’t. I guess it’s all those decades of zombie movies.

Finally when the emptiness in my stomach had grown painful and my joints had begun to freeze I broke down and popped the top on my first can of brains. That’s how it really works, there’s this stiffness in our joints along with a growing pain in the gut that gets worse the longer you go without any. Fortunately by the time we start looking at our neighbor as a light snack we can’t even move and parts of you have begun to fall off.

So there you go, no humans were harmed in the feeding of this zombie. Then again; there’s this jerk I work with, he was a real tool before I died and he sure hasn’t gotten any better. I think I’d eat him first.

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